Don’ write angry...But write!
Okay. I got that out of the way. And I am angry and I am writing.
I’m only angry with myself. At least, I’m angry with a part of my psyche. It’s a hero and villain scenario and I play both parts.
I’m attempting to understand how I operate…or at least how my brain works. And I want to write about it without sounding pitiful and weak and stupid and too crazy and …
Well, that’s a peek at my fears and self-talk. Not all the time, but today. And. closer to the surface, most of the time, than is often good.
I admire the writers here that can give a somewhat analytical view of their own struggles with “mental illness”.
(I hate the term “mental illness” because there isn’t a particular area that I can “heal”. It’s a disease the same way that having one leg would be a disease or illness.)
One of my best coping skills is to write. It’s also a diversion from taking care of “responsibilities”. Writing also helps me focus, and focus is a lovely thing.
Back to being angry. I have written before about my recent diagnosis of ADHD and its comorbid gang of panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. (The PTSD is also from a “dysfunctional” childhood.)
-Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder-
Another questionable term, but it’s changed several times in the past 400 years and can change again. It’s genetic and can be moderated by meds. It affects the Executive Functions of the brain.
ADHD (if I may anthropomorphize) has been a friendly adventurous companion. I have done a lot of things that I probably wouldn’t have if I had been ‘normal’. Jobs and loves, financial gambles and bankruptcies have come and gone. All part of life's adventure.
It has also been a villainous enemy for many of the same reasons. I feel more guilty now that I have a reason for my actions. The “crimes” are not assuaged by the cause. In fact, they seem aggravated by the fact that there is a cause that I didn’t know and still don’t fully understand. Which makes me angry.
I used to be able to say to myself “I’m just crazy” and give a mental shrug and move forward to some degree. I now feel a need to justify my ADHD. (Nobody said that humans were truly logical.) ADHD makes me “responsible for my actions” or lack of action.
So…impulsiveness, some memory glitches, procrastination, ‘flitting’ focus and hyperfocus if I become interested, disorganization of time, environment, and mind, all these and more are what I’m trying to sort out.
Life was so much easier when I thought that I was just crazy. And, I never thought normal looked very exciting.
When I was first diagnosed, I was happy that something explained many of the problems which were behind my anxiety and depression. I have slowly re-developed some anxiety and depression due to the fact that a diagnosis and meds don’t change the reality of the damage done. Though I have hope now that I can claw my way out and repair things with help, learning, and action.
“HELP”- Such a simple, easy word. I may write a whole page on the problems with “help” soon.
Learning and action are easy. Right now I am learning more on a daily basis and putting things in place to handle parts of the problems (action). There is hope.
I have coped with my problems in the past by letting my world fall apart, blowing up what had been, and burning bridges. I can see now that this was a childhood ‘coping skill’ that worked but had effects that I didn’t/couldn’t let myself see or feel. It was self-preservation made easier by ADHD.
The accepted coping strategies are a little foreign to my almost 70-year-old mind. Some of them have failed in the past due to impulsiveness and forgetting. Most of them feel way too stifling and mundane. So I am here, paralyzed by confusion, frustrated and angry,
Luckily, emotions don’t last forever and there is, I believe, a middle ground that I can live in that holds the excitement and establishes a personal order that has some stability. And, I can stop triple-guessing what I do (Yay!).
I will sign off with a couple of explanatory videos