I just want to SCREAM!
And hoping to be blessed…someday.
Life can be hard. I’m suffering from way too little money, a good old dog that is going to probably pass on to the ‘Rainbow Bridge’ today or tomorrow, and self-esteem that is very low.
Can I ‘fix’ any of this?
Well, I’m writing with the hope of some financial gain - I might make $50 this month on Medium.
The dog doesn’t act like he’s hurting other than not eating and unable to stand for more than a few minutes at a time.
And the hole in my soul where I should feel hope? I don’t know.
I tell myself that if I was a terrible person I wouldn’t feel so bad about my troubles. But I still have a ‘pride’ that won’t let me ask for more help, which makes me rageful and sorrowful at the same time. There is a feeling of uselessness.
I should call a crisis-line, but I am not truly ‘that bad off’. I know that whatever the world throws at me, I may come out a little bruised and battered emotionally but I will come out.
I read a Game of Thrones quote that said, “Chaos is a ladder”.
It’s a ladder that I’ve climbed before. It may be that I stopped climbing before it was safe. But I can begin again, one rung at a time. It’s not an escalator.
I love life. It’s not an easy love. It demands a degree of … shall we say numbness or ignorance? The pain can be deep and burning. And I can thank PTSD symptoms for both the feelings and the numbness and ADHD for the ability to ignore and to write this piece.
Anxiety verging on panic is my nemesis now. This is a ridiculous circumstance really. The fact that I will get through this is not a mitigating factor. In the fight-flight-freeze zone, I tend to freeze (it was a survival thing in my childhood). But you can only freeze for a certain amount of time before you start attacking yourself on a deeper level. Emotions can ignore logic.
The above was written yesterday. I didn’t publish because it felt too personal and tragic.
Not much has changed externally, but I am doing better. It helped to write it out.
Life may not change a lot but how we perceive it can.
Today I will be taking care of some things. Small steps can help. And a better internal dialog along the way is important.