Rough Road Ahead
Well, it’s come down to ‘between the rock and the hard place’.
Everyone has problems. I feel for those who are struggling more than I. Single parents fighting to keep a roof over their kids' heads and decent food in their bellies have my deepest concerns. Artists and teachers of any ‘flavor’ need to survive. The homeless and dying deserve comfort.
I hate being in the depths of poverty. There are guilt and shame in not being able to make ends meet. And in the constant worry of the next financial disaster — the bill collectors, the utilities being shut off, foreclosure, something else breaking or the dogs getting sick. I can come up with a thousand things that could drive me closer to the edge and only a few practical things to improve my situation.
It’s been a terrible year so far.
In February my water heater went down (it’s okay for the time being since I was able to fix part of the problem), my washing machine broke the next day (about $250 to replace), the battery in my ‘Beast’ (a ’99 4runner) had to be replaced -$220. In March I had to get some cardio tests (high blood pressure and cholesterol had my Dr. worried) that are going to end up costing me $900+. And last week I had to replace the worn tires on the Beast ($400). I’ve had to fill my propane tank twice this year due to the cold weather ($300+ each time). I have to pay past due water bill ($100+) and trash pickup $150.
I have at least $500+ in debts and other bills that should be paid through the rest of this month not to mention food and gas. And about $400 in the bank.
I almost applied for a ‘personal loan’ today. Enough to get closer to ‘even’ financially and it would let me breathe easier for a month or two. But at an interest rate approaching 150%, I would suffer worse than I do now. I’ve done this before and the hoped-for miracles didn’t come through. I’m still dealing with past debts and dumb mistakes.
Money and I have had a long love-hate relationship. I’m open and generous when it’s there and blocked-off and self-judging when it’s not.
I’m going to disappoint someone, maybe myself most of all.
This brings me back to the title. I’m getting better -and better known- on Medium. I made about $40 here last month.
I write every day and have since I started writing here in July of 2018. I hadn’t been a ‘writer’ before that. Many here come from freelance and ghostwriter backgrounds and have developed their abilities. I am a bit frenetic and impulsive (“Blame it on my ADD, Baby’) and have been more physical in my work experience, though I have written for myself all my life. So I am sort of doing on-the-job learning. I am getting a better feel for my voice and style. I do write every day even if I don’t publish. I have standards as to what I am willing to publish but don’t believe in perfection anymore.
Creativity is a funny thing. I only create well if I don’t force ‘things’ and allow that…‘je ne sais quoi’ (Muse, inspiration, whatever)… to channel through me. This means that ‘writing more’ is a state of a certain disconnection from the seeming dangerous reality of an impending disaster. Though, paradoxically, an element of danger can be inspiring. (‘Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.’)
It’s a case of creativity vs entropy. And which will move faster?
I will survive this, possibly not elegantly, but I will pick up the pieces later.
“They Can Kill You..but They Can’t Eat You.” ~ Dawn Steel
Well, that’s my rant and rumination for today. Back to creating.
Peace to all of you. Dana Sanford ~ 2019