I have a problem writing autobiographical stories.
I suppose I should preface this with reasserting that I have some struggle with “mental dis-ease”. And, yes, this may be pertinent.
The problem comes with a tendency to forgive. To see all sides of a story and try not to blame or be a victim.
A good story needs a villain. But, villainy gives too much power to real characters. And, if I give power to the bad aspects that have caused me pain, it denies the forgiveness of their actions and leads to living with pain and rage which has a tendency to build and overtake my sensibilities.
I learned early to keep chains on the ‘beast of rage’. Rage, the child of anger and frustration, has been a nemesis to my emotional well-being for as long as I can easily remember. As a child, it was given no credence and I was punished for giving it life.
“How can you be so angry with the parents who love you?”
So, I have to some degree, ‘come to terms’ with past monsters by learning to justify (due to their pasts and illnesses) and forgive them as human.
Would that I could do the same for myself.
Being honest while seeing (as best I can) the humanity of those from my childhood is a bit schizophrenic. But, I do have trouble denying their troubles to promote my own.
This seems a bit of a ‘prisoners dilemma’.
If I tell on them, I tell on myself and am ‘shamed.
If I keep quiet, I must live with guilt and shame and the truth goes unknown except by me.
Ah, the human psyche is devious and sometimes villainous.
But confronting it, though painful, provides more freedom.
And, for myself and others, that is why I write.
More stories of hashing through the madness:
HAUNTED BY OTHERS’ DEMONS
There was a problem with Mom. Demons from a hard life came to visit sometimes. She didn’t want to be “crazy”, but the…
Thank you for reading. It means a lot.