You don’t ask easy questions.
I think that sometimes all that we can do is to try to understand our parents. They are who they are — individuals with their own history and mental/emotional profile- and we cannot change that. Forgiveness and love may be impossible to a degree.
I spent a lot of my life hating the circumstances of my youth and trying to ‘will my way’ into being different and less guilty for that hatred. I envied the stable, loving families of my friends, which made me feel like an outsider.
If ‘loving’ becomes the ‘need to control’, the cycle continues and society suffers.
My father was murdered in 1980, he and I had reconciled. My mother died several years ago in a mental health hospice, I had disconnected from her years earlier due to our differences in philosophy of how to live a good life. One of my siblings suicided when she was 25 and the other, who I haven’t seen in years, is a paranoid alcoholic.
Bloodlines don’t make relatives better people. They may only give us more ‘reason’ to be codependent.